Tuesday's With Jesus

I like to spend my Tuesday's with Jesus, what about you?

Month: April, 2014

the truth about my heart

I’m messy. More than just messy hair in the mornings when I wake up, and more than a messy room I’m living in. There is mess hidden deep inside my heart, and it comes from the messy things I get myself into.

I get jealous, and I get angry. I harbor bitterness. I let dirty words come out of my usually clean lips. I allow my heart to get covered in a thick muddy layer of mess as I let the unkindness in. It walks right in sometimes, without even knocking, and stomps the mud right out of it’s heavy boots and into my heart. Unkindness lounges on the couch and puts its feet up on the coffee table leaving stains on the once clean glass top.

I try to go back through with the windex, and the 409 and a broom. I sweep out the cobwebs, the dry and cakey dirt on the floorboards of my soft little heart. But there’s always a lot left in the cracks, and there is nothing I can do about it. 

So I cover it up. I take all of the makeup I own and cover up the muddy mess and then put on a smile for the world so that others may think that I have it all under control. I walk down the sidewalk with purpose and a spring in my step, and I always answer “great!” when asked how I am doing.

Tonight, I’m here to take off the makeup that’s covering up my messy self. I’m not clean cut, and my life is not a beautiful, graceful thing like so many Christian girls will make their lives look like. There are days where I don’t want to get out of bed, and it’s not because I’m just tired. Most importantly, there are moments where I screw up and the unkindness sometimes seems to be a permanent resident in my heart, and that’s the hardest part to admit.

The other day, I was thinking about Easter and my messy, messy heart.

Jesus Christ died on a cross for me.

Just in case that didn’t sink in enough, I’ll tell you again.

Jesus Christ died on a cross for me, and he died for YOU.

And when he died, he carried all of the mess of every single person in himself. He let all of the unkindness, and the hate, and the bitterness, and the sorrow, and the tragedy, and the suffering inside his own heart. He let them all come in without knocking, and he let them all sleep on the couch and in the spare bedroom. He let them trudge in with their muddy boots and leave their tracks all over the smooth floorboards. He let his perfectly clean heart become tarnished by all of that mess, and he did it so that you and I would never have to be ashamed of the mess we carry. 

As I thought of this, I cried. Tears streamed down my face and I lifted my hands as I realized how victorious this made me. I wasn’t defined by my mess, but I am defined by Jesus Christ and what he has done for me.

I am new, I am clean and I am whole because of Jesus.

There is no picture beautiful enough to show how incredible that fact of life is.

Isaiah 53:5 “But he was wounded for our transgressions,
    crushed for our iniquities;
upon him was the punishment that made us whole,
    and by his bruises we are healed.”




on messy hearts and speaking truth

I have tried to write this post three times now within the past two weeks. Not necessarily because of lack of motivation or writer’s block, but because I can’t even articulate into words what is going through my heart. I have spent the last two weeks trying to figure out what in the world is going on in this little heart of mine and I still haven’t quite figured it out. Sometimes it feels like a mess inside. And I’m learning that it is totally okay. Hearts weren’t created to sit still inside of us and do nothing. They were created to beat so that we could feel fear, joy, pain, envy, and most importantly love. If our hearts didn’t do what they do and let us feel emotion, then life would be pretty boring.

What I’ve been learning is that no matter what your heart is feeling, the most important thing that you can do is speak truth to yourself. It is easy to believe the lies that Satan tries to tell you. That you’re not good enough. That you’re inadequate. That you are not beautiful. That you’ll never succeed. That you’re not loved. That you need _____ in order to be content. When you start to believe – truly believe – that you are loved, cared for, desired, adequate, enough, and beautiful in the eyes of Jesus, that is where true and utter contentment and joy can come from, no matter the circumstances around you.

I’m not saying that the path to banishing the lies will be easy, because it sure hasn’t been easy for me and I constantly find myself in the trap. But, what I’ve found that can make it a little easier is surrounding yourself with people who will remind you of what is true, especially when all you can believe are lies. And finally, always be running to the One who is an expert at mending hearts.

xoxo Taylor

endless grace

I looked at the time on my phone and cringed as a dirty word came out of my mouth. My paper that was due at five online was officially eight minutes late. I had worked hard on this paper, written forty one pages, and edited and revised so many pieces until everything fit together in a way that made sense. And now, because of my stupid asthma attack… I might jeopardize my grade because my paper was eight minutes late and counting. 

After I finally submitted my paper, a full fourteen minutes late, I curled up on the floor in my boyfriends room and allowed myself to be filled with shame. I had messed up, and made a mistake. I didn’t keep track of time, I couldn’t get my body to breathe and it had cost me. So I was going to wallow in my shame for my Monday had held itself to the highest standard of a crappy Monday. 

“Get off the floor, stop pitying yourself. Live and learn.” 

I didn’t want to hear the words come out of his mouth. Why couldn’t I just wallow? 

I made a mistake.” I felt the shame on my lips as the words came out of my mouth and were left hanging in the air like fog. 

“Yeah you did. Now stop pitying yourself, because it’s gonna be fine. You aren’t going to fail your class.” I knew he was right, but I could still feel the failure inside my bones. 

Live and learn is my life philosophy. You can’t spend your whole life thinking you aren’t ready for something because honestly, you probably are never ready. And when you make mistakes, and when you fail… usually you will learn from what went wrong and do things better next time. But even though I am a firm believer in the phrase “ya live and ya learn!” I sometimes can’t help but become consumed by the feeling of being not good enough by my failures. When I was thinking about this as I wallowed in self-pity, a thought struck my brain that a friend told me this weekend. It wasn’t even a thought, as much as just a verse. 

John 1:16 “For of his fullness we have all received, and grace upon grace.” 

God already gave me grace, but then when I mess up he is right there ready to give me more. Because he is saying, “you live and you learn. You’re gonna make mistakes, and you’re gonna mess up. But I am always right here with my arms open saying that it’s okay… you are still enough and it will be okay in the end.” 

So yeah, my boyfriend was right. I lived through my lesson, and I learned. Next time I finish a paper a few days before it’s due, I should just do myself a favor and turn it in the same day I finish it. That way the next time I have an asthma attack at the time a paper is due, I won’t have to worry. And realistically, it’ll probably end up being okay. 

But it was also a nice reminder that even if I mess up really big, Jesus is still gonna be waiting right there for me to lavish more grace on me. At this point, I’m already drowning in his endless grace. What a blessing to know that there will always be more where that came from.